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Author Topic: New fanfiction first chapter is up.  (Read 387 times)
Kaijugod
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« on: March 20, 2017, 03:28:53 PM »

Just wanted to let you guys know that ive started to write a new Fanfiction. The first chapter is up and ready to be read. Just to let you guys know that it is not my best work and its a littke short but please read and let me know what you think of it.
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cairn destop
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« Reply #1 on: March 21, 2017, 04:56:19 PM »

I'm going to place my comments in this thread so the story remains continuous.  First off, I do admit to being a bit of a SPAG Nazi, a fault of mine from another site where reviews were necessary if you wished to post a story.  I'll forego the SPAG here and will PM that part if you're interested. 

A good opening to the story.  You get us immediately into the action by introducing the main character and getting into the action.  Much of the early part of this chapter is used to establish a link between the previous adventure, the game itself, and the main character.  It's a good idea and does establish a timeline between the game and the action of this tale. 

Stories are like a three legged stool.  You need a mixture of description, dialogue, and drama to make it come alive for the reader.  Suggest you expand your descriptions, paint us a picture.  With a singular character, the dialogue will be limited, unless there is going to be a supporting character introduced in a later chapter.  As to the drama, you did very well ending your chapter with a cliffhanger.  Cliffhangers are hooks to draw the reader into the next part.  Even a low keyed one like the ending to the first part works. 
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Kaijugod
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« Reply #2 on: March 21, 2017, 07:12:43 PM »

Yeah. You can PM it to me. And as for characters there are gong to be 3 main characters with the second one being revealed in the 2nd or 3rd chapter. As a challenge I would like you to guess what these characters will be and tell me and ill say if your close or not to the answer.
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cairn destop
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« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2017, 07:33:51 PM »

Very good on the SPAG.  Didn't find anything major to note.  Minor nits.

1 --- stepping away --- Typo, first word of a sentence is capitalized
2 --- figures where around --- Typo, should be "were"

 

Good move making the main character ignorant of human items.  I do admit there was some text that made me wonder if Tim ever saw another human settlement / structure or if his knowledge came from the stories of his elders.  The initial description reminds me of a receptionist room for medical or personnel.  A good closing line.

« Last Edit: April 05, 2017, 05:43:04 PM by cairn destop » Logged

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"The only definitions of the word 'fair' is in reference to the weather and a carnival, any other meaning is strictly a product of your imagination."
cairn destop
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« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2017, 05:57:41 PM »

Chapter 3

SPAG is very clean.  Well done on that.  Many here don't consider it important, but it is.  Just one minor typo and that isn't worth pointing out.  One suggestion, use a thesaurus.  Word variety is important.  Try not to use the same words throught your story.  Let's move onto the story itself.

Glad to see Tim has a good sense of curiosity.  That can be dangerous if he touches something he shouldn't.  Based on the description, it is either a phone or computer tablet.  Good having him go directly to the main part of his discovery.  Would be nice if he diverted a bit, but can understand Tim's desire not to get lost.  I do admit to my confusion regarding what happened after the main object rebooted.  Don't think that important since Tim wouldn't understand what happened.  Once again, a good cliffhanger at the end with the unknown voice.
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Once again my avatar is working.  Does Snoopy happydance. 

"The only definitions of the word 'fair' is in reference to the weather and a carnival, any other meaning is strictly a product of your imagination."
cairn destop
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« Reply #5 on: April 12, 2017, 03:12:45 PM »

And now we have the introduction of the newest character to this story.  So far, the new character will be communicating from the tablet Tim holds.  Will be curious if he will become mobile enough to leave his tank.  Nice touch telling us why the humans disappeared.
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Once again my avatar is working.  Does Snoopy happydance. 

"The only definitions of the word 'fair' is in reference to the weather and a carnival, any other meaning is strictly a product of your imagination."
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