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Author Topic: The Sapient Plague comment thread  (Read 33131 times)
cairn destop
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« on: May 02, 2008, 12:33:07 PM »

Those of you familiar with my internet writings on another site know that I NEVER release any "book" unless I have finished the editing.  (If you're curious about my other writings, send me a PM and I'll provide the information for finding my material.)  Well, it is done and I'll be curious to see how this story is received.  Were I to consider releasing this on the other site, it would need a few minor tweaks.  At the top of that list would be eliminating Allester and Cairn.  (Sorry big fellow.)

I should explain that one notation in the author's notes.  I work at a casino as a dealer and my schedule has me starting at different times.  I'll try uploading the material around 7AM pacific time, but I cannot guarantee that if I have an early start.  If that happens, expect the upload around 9PM pacific time.
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Allester
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« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2008, 08:23:11 AM »

Heh, going well so far. And hey, I'm not THAT big. *laughs* =^^=

~ Allester E. Darkflame
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cairn destop
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« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2008, 06:12:29 PM »

Just to let you know, your character is first mentioned in Chapter Nine and you make an appearance in Chapter Eleven.  As to why you're big, Allester is the Alpha of his pack and should be both physically and intellectually superior to the other pack members.  Here's hoping you will enjoy how I use your character.
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Allester
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« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2008, 06:03:34 AM »

*sighs and looks at his big butt* yer so mean to me Cairn!!! *cries to his mother* =^^=

~ Allester E. Darkflame
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cairn destop
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« Reply #4 on: May 18, 2008, 09:13:59 PM »

I've decided to do some additional editing to make this acceptable on the writing site where I have my many stories available.  As noted earlier, that means some minor tweaks, such as eliminating the characters of Cairn and Allester.  Hedgehogs will also be removed and the physical descriptions of our major characters will need to be adjusted.

For our site administrator, I will be including a line in each chapter that will read: "Based on the internet comic strip and computer game called 'Inherit The Earth.'" 

Will advise all when I begin posting there, (anticipating early July or August), and will provide some of the comments submitted by reviewers.


Oh yes, I have no idea what you are referring to in your comment Allester, but that last one was funny.
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Allester
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« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2008, 07:48:03 AM »

=^^= Story's compelling and coming along very Well Cairn. Loving the different points of view between the chapters, though if I remember my History classes properly, Radiation fall out from a Nuke dissipates after 500years. I'm pretty sure it's been more then that since Humans left Earth. Not sure, but then again, no telling if a Morph found one and tried to do the Grimlin thing and pounded it with a Hammer. =^^=

~ Allester E. Darkflame
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cairn destop
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« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2008, 08:22:18 PM »

Quote
From a PM by Allester:
Allester's pack would be called "Arison" it means 'Power of Mana'. Celtic like habbits and Markings, very organized and well trained to hold their tempers when the Alpha's around, but short tempered when he's not. Feel free to use the 'Family Metal' in the story if you like. Might be interesting to see the looks on the Humans faces when they shoot him only to find the round lodged against his vest like it was armor. I could honestly see the confusion, the shock, and the "Crap we're screwed" look on their faces.

I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that attaches a special significance to names.  For me, names have a reason behind them.  Though that would have been a nice addition, it would have required a similarly significant name for the other wolf pack, something I wasn't willing to do.  The names are not important to the story.

And here is a danger for not knowing certain "facts" about a character or their place in the fan fiction universe.  Until I read your latest chapter, didn't know about that metalic fiber armor.  Thankfully, our wolf doesn't get shot.  (No, I'm not giving too much away.) 

Just to let you know, Allester makes his first appearance in Friday's installment.  Once he joins the story as a character, he remains part of the story to the very end.  Take a bow, he becomes one of the primary support character.



Quote
Radiation fall out from a Nuke dissipates after 500years

I agree.  However, I'm assuming the nuclear weapons of the future have such a high yield of fisionable material that its affects can still be felt.  Consider that nuclear fuel rods are considered so radioactive that it will take thousands of years to reach "safe" levels.  That is one reason they are buried in salt mines. 

Here's part of the story I omitted.  In an earlier version, I described how the morphs exploded the bomb.  As I edited the story, I realized it wasn't an important point and discarded it.  Just like the names of the two wolf packs, it added nothing.  I cannot reveal that missing "chapter" as some of the material is used in the future.



Quote
Loving the different points of view between the chapters

Yes, I switch between viewpoints as a means of showing the motivation behind the various characters.  If you didn't know why the humans are so desperate to find their objective, you wouldn't understand the reasons behind the other world morph's actions.  Knowing that there is more than just the obvious objective gives depth to the story.

Even our Earth morphs will have viewpoints that give them motivation.  I've always felt it is important to give your characters believable reasons for doing whatever they do.  It's one reason why I find it a bit grating when an evil character has no more motivation than to become the foil to the story's hero.
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Allester
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« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2008, 08:40:22 PM »

Quote
I'm glad to know that I'm not the only one that attaches a special significance to names.  For me, names have a reason behind them.  Though that would have been a nice addition, it would have required a similarly significant name for the other wolf pack, something I wasn't willing to do.  The names are not important to the story.

And here is a danger for not knowing certain "facts" about a character or their place in the fan fiction universe.  Until I read your latest chapter, didn't know about that metalic fiber armor.  Thankfully, our wolf doesn't get shot.  (No, I'm not giving too much away.) 

Just to let you know, Allester makes his first appearance in Friday's installment.  Once he joins the story as a character, he remains part of the story to the very end.  Take a bow, he becomes one of the primary support character.
---> You'd be surprised what naming the packs would do. You'd be able to ID them through the story rather then refer to them as "Allester's Pack" and "The other pack". If you needed names, you could have just asked me. I would have loved to help you out like you've helped me. =^^= Well at least I don't have to worry about flying bullets. But the other end doesn't bode well. As for my appearance... I'm only Support? *cries and chuckles* Yer so mean to me Cairn. =^^=



Quote
I agree.  However, I'm assuming the nuclear weapons of the future have such a high yield of fisionable material that its affects can still be felt.  Consider that nuclear fuel rods are considered so radioactive that it will take thousands of years to reach "safe" levels.  That is one reason they are buried in salt mines. 

Here's part of the story I omitted.  In an earlier version, I described how the morphs exploded the bomb.  As I edited the story, I realized it wasn't an important point and discarded it.  Just like the names of the two wolf packs, it added nothing.  I cannot reveal that missing "chapter" as some of the material is used in the future.
---> Hmm, that's a good point of view. Considering they never said how much into the future they were so it's feasible. =^^=


Quote
Yes, I switch between viewpoints as a means of showing the motivation behind the various characters.  If you didn't know why the humans are so desperate to find their objective, you wouldn't understand the reasons behind the other world morph's actions.  Knowing that there is more than just the obvious objective gives depth to the story.

Even our Earth morphs will have viewpoints that give them motivation.  I've always felt it is important to give your characters believable reasons for doing whatever they do.  It's one reason why I find it a bit grating when an evil character has no more motivation than to become the foil to the story's hero.
---> Well I do recall you saying, "Those of you who know me, know I wont post a story until I've completed it." Well if you've finished it, why are you waiting so long to post more? ;p Shame on you for teasing us with little tidbits!!! =^^=
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~ Allester E. Darkflame
cairn destop
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« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2008, 11:59:43 AM »

You are right, I could post this entire story in one day.  However, I have a feeling people would find a story that is 22 chapters and an epilogue way too much to read in one sitting.  At 33K words, it would take some time too.  By releasing it in chapters, those following can get the latest without too much effort as each chapter is below 2000 words each.

I also took into consideration the site's release schedule.  The comic comes out on Tuesday and sometimes the art on Friday.  Now visitors have a reason for coming on Monday, Wednesday and Friday.

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« Reply #9 on: June 03, 2008, 08:46:21 PM »

Just out of curiosity, is anyone other than Allester reading this?  Go ahead and post your thoughts, comments, or questions.  After my participation in the writing survivor contest QB-2, there is nothing you can say that would make me feel bad.
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cairn destop
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« Reply #10 on: June 20, 2008, 05:01:38 AM »

Next week marks the end of this story.  The last chapter will be released Wednesday and the epilogue comes out Friday.  For those following the story, all your questions should be answered.  And here's hoping our wolf member enjoyed his role.
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« Reply #11 on: June 21, 2008, 09:14:55 AM »

*snores audibly as he is seen leaning against his couch. When he snerks awake, he looks around with glossy eyes* Huh... buah? Ohh yeah, I loved my part. I'm all Dashing, and Cool. Even get to have a fight I loose! *chuckles* Which you deserve a Noogie or an Atomic Wedgie for Cairn. *smirks* But I am enjoy the story, very captivating and holding your attention. =^^=

~ Allester E. Darkflame
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« Reply #12 on: June 23, 2008, 08:15:38 PM »

Had a lot of trouble logging into the site the last three days.  Sorry the chapter is late, but at least it is there.  As I noted earlier, the story concludes this week.
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cairn destop
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« Reply #13 on: June 25, 2008, 08:38:01 AM »

Anyone curious about the math?

Initial population: ------ 1,000,000
First virus: ----------------   300,000 remaining
Second virus: -----------     90,000 remaining
Third virus: --------------     27,000 remaining
Fourth virus: ------------      8,100 remaining
Fifth virus: ---------------      2,430 remaining


If the population is evenly distributed over the 80 year life span, there will be thirty survivors at each age.  Assuming half are male and half female, there are only 345 females of child bearing years remaining alive.  (15 per ages 12 through 35)  Grim statistics if you're in a war of extermination.
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The Inexorable Dave
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« Reply #14 on: June 27, 2008, 03:12:38 AM »

Did I get it right this time? I hope so. I would not like to be a cretin twice.

Just out of curiosity, is anyone other than Allester reading this?  Go ahead and post your thoughts, comments, or questions.  After my participation in the writing survivor contest QB-2, there is nothing you can say that would make me feel bad.

Yeeeeah. I just signed up so I could do just that.

It's a perfect example of an Idiot Plot. The only reason any of it happens at all is because everyone is functionally retarded. Just how did the virus leak into the atmosphere? Were they on the bloody roof rack? I'd have thought they would take better care of their only salvation. How the hell did they miss the 'Homo' bit at the beginning? When did the Morphs develop this virus? The Morphs on Earth are too primitive, and they would never have got away with it before the humans left. How did they develop it so long ago anyway, when they are only received sentience within the last few years, and those that were advanced enough were off on another planet?

In addition to this, a lot of the stuff concerning the death of the human race is impossible. How could a few beakers of this virus infect everyone on the planet? Especially when said beakers are spread out over the entire damn atmosphere. The Earth Morph getting infected, preventing the humans from returning?  Completely absurd. The Morphs immune systems would eventually wipe out the virus. Besides which, why does it affect them at all? By all rights, the virus should’ve died with The Wolf Tit. The idea of it infecting the entire planet, within a few years no less, shatters my already battered suspension of disbelief to pieces.

It reads like a high school essay. The sentences are far too clipped; they just do not flow with each other, as if you intended each one to be read separately. You keep repeating and over explaining things, apparently just so you can beef up the word count. Why? No one is keeping count. No one is going to complain because you used ten words where five would do. There is not one sentence in there that I could not cut in half, without any change to the meaning at all.

You have characters explaining things to people who already know them. And considering how you were giving Allester such a hard time about 'showing, not telling' you do it quite a lot. All your characters sound the same. They have no voice, no uniqueness. I could swap them all around and have the exact same story. The worst example is Captain Human Whose Name I Forget, whose personality seemed to change every other paragraph. The characters spoke in the same way the story was narrated.

Now that those are out of the way, let me tell you about thesauri. Thesauri are books that – ah, what am I doing, you know this, because you’re using one. The thing is, you see, that the alternate words are not synonymous, they are not interchangeable, they different meanings, is this getting through to you? So when you pick out words at random to replace, it does not make you seem clever, it makes you seem illiterate.

The plot. Good god, the plot. It is so predictable; it was obvious from the start what this ‘weapon’ was. Oh, the humans lost? DID NOT SEE THAT COMING A MILE AWAY. I could even predict what a character would say before he would say it. Well, the basic point would be the same, since I do not speak Generic Fanastyese. The ending is just one huge Deus Ex Machina. Just where did they get all that intelligence from, anyway? How could they possibly know what happened to every last detail? Why did they contact Mc Ferret after so long, wouldn’t they assume he was dead? Is anyone in this story even remotely aware of military procedure?

This is just a minor pet hate of mine rather than an actual criticism, but why do furries keep referring to hands as ‘paws’? They have articulate fingers and opposable thumbs, which paws do not. They are hands; the fact that they belong to a guy covered in fur doesn’t change that fact. This is even weirder, because you refer to their feet as feet, which could actually pass as paws. Also, why do they refer to themselves as ‘beasts’? Seems a bit like a human calling himself a monkey.

Allester is going to be a better writer than you, by the way. There are heaps of amateur grade technical flaws, but once he works those out he will be a far better story teller than you. That was not really related, I just thought throw it out there.

If you read this Allester and you are serious about writing, then please do not listen to this wassock.

Next, I am going to take specific examples from your text and explain what is wrong with them, and how you can do better. I would do that in the main body, but that would require extra effort on my part and bollocks to that. I’ll write the next part in a new post, to be posted at precisely whenever the hell I feel like it.
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