Wyrmkeep Entertainment Board
November 23, 2017, 06:50:57 AM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
News: Patreon for Inherit the Earth:Sand and Shadows launched!
 
Our sites: Wyrmkeep Entertainment Home   Inherit the Earth Comic   Mole's Quest   The Labyrinth of Time
   Home   Help Search Members Login Register  
Pages: [1] 2
  Print  
Author Topic: Return of the Humans, Comments Thread  (Read 27471 times)
Oxanna
Guest
« on: December 25, 2007, 09:49:16 PM »

I just thought of starting a thread for commenting on your fanfic. So far I think it's quite interesting.
« Last Edit: December 26, 2007, 04:19:12 AM by Oxanna » Logged
WolfieInu
Full Member
***
Offline Offline

Posts: 74



View Profile
« Reply #1 on: December 26, 2007, 04:12:21 AM »

Hi, Allester, interesting take you have there.

Just for interest's sake, did you play the game? Because "furs" = "Morph", and I'm not aware of a Bat tribe?
Logged

Shiba Inu: Today the local ecosystem, tomorrow the world!
cairn destop
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 358



View Profile
« Reply #2 on: December 26, 2007, 06:52:35 AM »

The old hedgehog is going to be slogging through this tale with the same eye for commentary as I did for an earlier work.  All comments are intended as constructive.  For now, I'm concentrating on the SPAG, (spelling, punctuation and grammar), with a touch of editorials.  I'll comment on the story as a whole later.  It will take a few postings as my time is short right now, but I will be reading it all.

Thank (or blame --- grin) one of your readers for alerting me to this story.




watching the waters edge lap at the shoreline softly = here is where the “ly” adverb should be purged.  If the waters are “lapping,” than it is a “soft” action, there is no need to be repeating.

in a misty spray of water droplets = isn’t this a contradiction to the earlier lap?  A “spray” infers a stronger force.  Be consistent.  If this is an ocean scene, you can still have the air filled with the smells.

His body, muscled like a warrior’s but also built for speed = you’re telling us.  Show it to us as the story unfolds.  I would suggest eliminating this and insert it throughout the story in a show mode.

just beneath a long swords scabbard = sword’s (possessive)
On his wrist where a pair of fingerless = were

any eye could see that a fresh wound ran along his left bicep, a mark of exile from his pack. = stop telling.  Show us.  For example, here is the same sentence without telling, but showing. --- His forearms bared, any eye could see that a fresh wound ran along his left bicep, a mark of exile from his pack. ---- this becomes ---- The wolf’s fingers touched the fresh wound that still bled on his left bicep.  (let your readers wonder why and how the wound got there and work it into the story at an appropriate time.)

white teeth that where all = were

Her chocolate brown fur ruffled from the air currents she had flown in on. = now this is an example of showing, good job.  A bit clumsy at the end, suggest “from the air currents she rode” will eliminate the ending preposition.  (Avoid these, except in dialogue.)

and like magic walked right up to him . . . she responded.  = both are redundancies that should be eliminated.  They add nothing to the story.

paused briefly, remained tightly in her embrace = eliminate “briefly” and the “tightly” as embrace infers both adjectives.  You could say “remained in her tight embrace”

before speaking = superfluous, since dialogue then follows.  Eliminate.  (Helpful hint, if there are only two speakers, once you identify one speaker, the other is assumed to respond.  The one time you would need to use an identifier is if the first speaker continues his dialogue after an interruption.”

Her smile seemed . . . succession = good show here.  (Showing lets the reader infer things based on the actions, while telling explains it as if it were a term paper.)

They walked side by side with slow steps since Sonata was not used to land travel, they had to mind stumps and rocks or other dangers. = back to telling.  Try this and see if it doesn’t say the same thing ---- They walked side by side with slow steps since Sonata had to mind stumps and rocks or other dangers the wolf ignored.
Logged

Once again my avatar is working.  Does Snoopy happydance. 

"The only definitions of the word 'fair' is in reference to the weather and a carnival, any other meaning is strictly a product of your imagination."
Oxanna
Guest
« Reply #3 on: December 26, 2007, 08:16:00 AM »

I just wondered why the Humans be afraid of Allester, as there are 5 of them and they are most probably armed?
I understand they might have thought he had a pack with him, but in that case they might have been more calm, seeing as they're not just normal civvies anyhow.
Logged
Allester
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



View Profile
« Reply #4 on: December 26, 2007, 08:58:24 AM »

I'll reply to this by person to keep from spamming the board.

Oxana- Thanks for starting the replies area, wasn't sure how it would be done. Now, put yourself in their shoes, they've just ejected from a crash landing, only in their space suits and then ambushed by a large wolf brandishing two swords at you in a dark forest. Weather you have numbers or better weapons, that surprise attack with his weapons out but them at a disadvantage especially since Humans have poor night vision where a wolf is nearly as clear as day. They did have 'a' weapon as well, the flash grenade they used to get away in the end. If you noticed, I made it pretty clear they where doing exactly what you should when confronted by a species with an aggressive pack mentality you submit. They waited until he was distracted by the sudden loss of light, and took off using the grenade to ensure he wouldn't be able to follow at all. There is a method to my madness =^^=

WolfieInu- Yes I've played the game, However you have to remember languages are not always similar in nature from one culture to another, even when they use the same alphabet and words. Look at American's and English. Very similar languages, but many words have different meanings between cultures. In this instance Humans refer to the animals as "Furs" for generalization terms, where as the animals refer to themselves as "Morphs". Even though the languages are the same, they have different terms and definitions. Just to note, the game was fun and easy, until the Military base near the end, I got stuck there for a good 3hours before I figured it out, never helps to solve puzzles while you have bronchitis.=^^= As for the Bat tribe, a lot of tribes where not mentioned in the first game, nor shown. We saw only one member of the "Raccoon" tribe, but never actually heard mention of them, or any more other then the one. Plus, who's to say the Human's just 'stopped' at the general list of animal's the first game shows? Maybe in #2 we'll see many, many more. Like Lions, Hyenas, Various Birds, etc. =^^=

Cairn Destop- I'll tell you the same thing I told my College English teacher: Not everyone has the understanding, or education to know every last bit of the English language. Just because we can do every last little bit doesn't mean everyone does and we should take that into consideration when writing. While yes there are errors I didn't fix, most of the grammar was left alone to explain in more detail for those who don't have the strong understanding of the English language. Most of my readers don't, so I attempt to write in a manner anyone can read and understand clearly. I tried long ago to write in that grammar style you're trying to remind me about, and people where constantly misconstruing things or thought I was using "Big words" to make myself look better then people. Again thanks for pointing out the mispellings I did miss, I'll correct those, but please just ignore the grammar. It's much easier for other people to read that way. =^^=
« Last Edit: December 26, 2007, 09:08:44 AM by Allester » Logged

~ Allester E. Darkflame
Oxanna
Guest
« Reply #5 on: December 26, 2007, 09:09:12 AM »

I see what you mean; still, I would have pulled my blaster were I in that position. But maybe that's just me. cheesy
(I like the nighttime more than daytime, am a Star Wars geek and, according to a quiz I took once just for laughs, could take on between 18 and 20 5-year-olds in  a fight)
Logged
Allester
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



View Profile
« Reply #6 on: December 26, 2007, 09:19:42 AM »

Heh, well now even when Allester asked them "So you're soldiers" they said no. Thus the wouldn't be armed. As well, who says the have blasters? Maybe technology remained at a stand still for weaponry and gunpowder is still used? This is why I love futuristic settings, it allows the imagination to run rampant and create various styles. =^^= Myself, I have 20/10 eye sight, Much better night vision but standard day vision. At least that's what my Dr. says, I just never noticed.
Logged

~ Allester E. Darkflame
Oxanna
Guest
« Reply #7 on: December 26, 2007, 09:31:02 AM »

Ah, well, then I wouldn't know how the Humans felt anyway. Wink

Still, maybe the head of Security or the scientist would at least have a tranquilliser.
But I wouldn't know.
I wouldn't know about the technology, either; spaceships imply better technology, but one not much better than the ones we have now could have been used in that circumstance.

I still stick to my original argument, though, I don't think Humans would be that puny. After all:
We have hearts. We have minds - we are HUMANS!

And they outnumber him by far. They might have acknowledged his better position at that moment but I don't think they would have been that scared.
Logged
Allester
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



View Profile
« Reply #8 on: December 26, 2007, 10:37:10 AM »

Heh, you wouldn't be scared meeting up with a 6foot wolf carrying two swords and looking like he's seen plenty of combat? That's the Grim Reaper right there. *chuckles* But no, more of 'why' they didn't fight back will be explained. Remember, the Captain had his wife there *hint hint* and a Science Officer *more hints*... mmm, trust me, everyone will be surprised where I take this story line. Might even shock the makers of the game. =^^=
Logged

~ Allester E. Darkflame
cairn destop
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 358



View Profile
« Reply #9 on: December 26, 2007, 10:39:09 AM »


Cairn Destop- I'll tell you the same thing I told my College English teacher: Not everyone has the understanding, or education to know every last bit of the English language. Just because we can do every last little bit doesn't mean everyone does and we should take that into consideration when writing. While yes there are errors I didn't fix, most of the grammar was left alone to explain in more detail for those who don't have the strong understanding of the English language. Most of my readers don't, so I attempt to write in a manner anyone can read and understand clearly. I tried long ago to write in that grammar style you're trying to remind me about, and people where constantly misconstruing things or thought I was using "Big words" to make myself look better then people. Again thanks for pointing out the mispellings I did miss, I'll correct those, but please just ignore the grammar. It's much easier for other people to read that way. =^^=




Then I shall refrain from comments.  My apologies.
Logged

Once again my avatar is working.  Does Snoopy happydance. 

"The only definitions of the word 'fair' is in reference to the weather and a carnival, any other meaning is strictly a product of your imagination."
Oxanna
Guest
« Reply #10 on: December 26, 2007, 10:57:15 AM »

Heh, you wouldn't be scared meeting up with a 6foot wolf carrying two swords and looking like he's seen plenty of combat? That's the Grim Reaper right there. *chuckles*

Beilieve me, I would have a shock. But I would not fall to my knees. Heh - ya know, pride an' all of that? If there were no blasters, I would use my gun. My tranquilliser gun if nothing more. smiley
Logged
Allester
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



View Profile
« Reply #11 on: December 26, 2007, 04:50:23 PM »

"Then I shall refrain from comments.  My apologies."


Ohh no no. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you pointed out my where-were misspellings, I normally catch those in my proof reading. It's just the grammar use. It doesn't bug me, but others may find it a little intimidating. I'm glad there's more then just one person out there still using Actual English and not Slang, Ebonic's, or 1337 speak. It's nice to have someone I can talk too on a mental level. =^^=

But now I must ask you to finish what you said you would, and Comment on the Story line/plot itself =^^=
Logged

~ Allester E. Darkflame
Allester
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



View Profile
« Reply #12 on: December 26, 2007, 04:52:59 PM »

Beilieve me, I would have a shock. But I would not fall to my knees. Heh - ya know, pride an' all of that? If there were no blasters, I would use my gun. My tranquilliser gun if nothing more. smiley

Well see there's a problem with Tranq's. 1: You need the right dosing or it could be to little/to much, 2: some species need a very specific type of tranq or you could end up killing them. You can't use a Horse Tranq on a Doggy, or a Doggy tranq on a Horse. So they'd need something universal that would work quickly. =^^=
Logged

~ Allester E. Darkflame
cairn destop
Sr. Member
****
Offline Offline

Posts: 358



View Profile
« Reply #13 on: December 26, 2007, 05:49:58 PM »

"Then I shall refrain from comments.  My apologies."


Ohh no no. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad you pointed out my where-were misspellings, I normally catch those in my proof reading. It's just the grammar use. It doesn't bug me, but others may find it a little intimidating. I'm glad there's more then just one person out there still using Actual English and not Slang, Ebonic's, or 1337 speak. It's nice to have someone I can talk too on a mental level. =^^=

But now I must ask you to finish what you said you would, and Comment on the Story line/plot itself =^^=


On another writing site, I do a lot of postings, including my fan fictions.  Are they perfect?  Far from it and I'll be the first to say my initial effort should be scrapped and rewritten.  Not because of errors, but thanks to the many helpful comments on SPAG as well as the editorials I learned where it could be improved.  Made the rest of the series so much better.

Like it or not, SPAG is important.  Submit a resume to a company or state agency where writing is important, such as the place where I worked for thirty-one years, with such errors as I've noted and your application goes into File 13.  (I assisted my boss screening applications and SPAG eliminated more than half the people.  That is a sad commentary.)  Don't care how knowledgable the applicant, if you cannot communicate in proper english, you will be rejected.

Perhaps it is the fact that one must do a great deal of reviewing on that other site if I wish to promote my own works that makes me sensitive to it.  As I said earlier, my comments are offered as constructive help.  With that said, I'll finish my reviewing and have my remarks posted in another ten to twelve hours.
Logged

Once again my avatar is working.  Does Snoopy happydance. 

"The only definitions of the word 'fair' is in reference to the weather and a carnival, any other meaning is strictly a product of your imagination."
Allester
Jr. Member
**
Offline Offline

Posts: 25



View Profile
« Reply #14 on: December 26, 2007, 08:37:52 PM »

Yeah I know all about those companies. Which is why I ignore them. I have my pride and knowledge and the ability to self-publish. I've done work with Gamefreaks and they loved me. While I didn't do major parts of the games, I did help.

But like I said, I don't mind at all that you offered up the help. I'm glad someone actually [READ] it without skimming the story and just plucking things out. But like you said, no one is perfect. I do the same as you, no relying on spellcheck since I do proof reads... though I still miss some things so I do run a spell check to help. But for 'where' to 'were' of course Spell check doesn't see that... I'm going to continue to kick myself for missing that >.<

Though still... 31 years at the same place? Or just same type of job, different companies?
Logged

~ Allester E. Darkflame
Pages: [1] 2
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2015, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!